What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:21
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My life is so biszare .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do I sweat between my legs all the time, top off my legs, all way down?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was 9 years of age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
One cannot live in the past .
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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I don,t even have a pension.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why do people have polyamorous relationships?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It was going to be , some day.
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She found it foreign!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im still living with it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So, i spoilt her more .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But, we were locked up after school.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When she asked me how she looked .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was in good health!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
All the time i was locked up.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She married twice! .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He resisted the act ,that day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it wasn’t much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Put me off passion for life!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.